Thursday 29th April 2016 marked my 6 month liver-versary. It has been a stormy 6 months and one that I feel can be summed up, probably not briefly, in a sail...
Before the transplant, I was sailing in a sheltered setting. Somewhere like Plymouth Sound. The waters can get choppy and the sailing can be rough but it's nothing like offshore sailing. For me, the transplant was a beacon of light that was on the horizon to head towards and I believed that it would lead me into a harbour, into calm waters where the difficulties would end. When I got the call in October, I truly felt that the transplant would signal the end of all of my medical issues. However, when I reached this beacon, I sailed past it and realised that it was a light marking a breakwater and that I was heading into unknown waters. Near the breakwater, the waters were choppy and because I was't expecting it, I lost control. The waters settled and yet because it was all so unexpected, being in this wide open space with no idea what to expect, I felt helpless. Then, in December, the sun came out. The sea was kind and conditions were good. I was sailing and it felt awesome. I truly felt as though I was recovering well and would be back to my old self in no time. The sea could throw anything at me and I would soon be able to get through the storm. January was similar. There were some moments when the waves were rolling and uncomfortable and a few choppy, nasty moments but they passed. February was much crueler. I felt as though I had sailed into the middle of a gale force storm. Nothing was going how I had expected and I let go of the ropes, I was completely out of control physically and emotionally. The whole experience that I had been through hit me all at once and it felt like everything was falling apart around me. I was alone and too far from land to reach help. Everything hurt and nothing could be fixed. Occasionally, the seas would calm for a moment but never enough for me to recover and get myself centred in order to regain control. A few weeks ago, feeling lost and hopeless, I reached a headland and, sailing around the headland, I became sheltered from the storm. I was able to breathe and relax and take back control. Since then, there have been some slight choppy moments but I the rest has given me the strength to take on these moments with a more careful and considered approach. I am brighter and beginning to feel as though I can take to the seas again and that now, I will be better equipped to take on the challenges that the sea presents. Each challenge I will learn or re-learn skills and so develop and grow stronger. I know now that there is a vast ocean out there that will be filled with storms of varying strengths but it will also have moments of completely blissful smooth sailing...
Keep Smiling :)
